Month: December 2017

This is the first time in my life that I am conscious of stepping into a brand new year with intention – grounded within myself in a way I have never experienced before.  This past year has been a birth year of sorts for me.  This year I “found” my core self and was taken through an exercise where I was able to confront my core terrors that have haunted me since birth.  This year I was given a strategy.  A strategy to continue to build self and seek my “Better.”  This year, I began living as me.

I was listening to a course on “How to tell your story” to gain some insight on exactly what my story is.  Living a “when you are happy I am safe” life for 53 years, I have been many many many different persons who each have their own unique stories.  I was listening to this course in my living room as I was multitasking doing some housekeeping chore.  Sometimes I “hear” better when my body is moving.

I experienced a paradigm shift in my core belief systems of myself and my path.  It was so electric and powerful that I am unable to remember the story before or the story after but I surely do remember the words that have changed my life.

“She” was talking and I was listening.  And then I was frozen, completely captivated with the information that was hitting my core systems.  I am not even sure what the story really was but this is what came into my brain .

“… and I was drowning.  I was in full blow panic, frenetically waving my hands and splashing and grasping for something – anything – trying to scream but the water was coming into my lungs.  I could hear people around me but no one was coming to help me, I was so confused.  I was on the verge of drowning.  Through my panic a voice came through shouting “STAND UP.”  And I stood up.  I was drowning. In 3 feet of water and I am 5’9″.

BAM!  It literally knocked the wind out of me.  In that moment between heartbeats I heard myself say to myself “STAND UP” inside you!  I am drowning in 3 feet of emotional water.  That I AM enough.  I AM smart enough, brave enough, skilled enough, <insert> enough.  That I don’t need to have someone validate my thoughts or ideas.  That I don’t need to please anyone to belong.  That my core issue, barrier, prison keeper of “if I am not useful then I am useless” and I am once again that 5 year old standing outside in my pyjamas in the snow knocking on the locked door begging to come inside and saying I’ll never spill the pepper again.

The voice of self, comes to me over and over again as I work to change the habits of self-deprecation, self-flagellation, self defeating behaviours that I have used for survival my entire life.  They have served me well but now are only serving to keep me a prisoner of my own self doubt force me into a submissive posture of what I think that it is that you want from me.  Painful.  Cramped. Isolated.

STAND UP!  I sat on my couch breathless and felt vitality quite physically embalm me through my core, racing through my veins.  A breathe escaped and I inhaled My Worth.  My Potential.  My Better.  I sat and looked at the space above the TV on the wall.  An empty space.  Waiting for something to fill it and I began crafting a painting.  STAND UP!  I can’t wait to paint you.  Love.

… there was some hesitation simply because how does one start a blog anyway?  I have given this 4 months of quiet mumbling and grumbling inside the recesses of my mind trying to find a beginning.  Just yesterday as I was untangling the lights taken off of the Christmas tree I was inspired to do to this blog exactly what I did to those lights.  Pick a spot and just start unwinding.

And so here we are.  I have decided to write this blog conversationally.  Meaning I am making an assumption that you – my reader – are comfortably sitting with a cup of your favourite beverage across the many bits and bytes from me.   Held a willing hostage as I ramble through the myriad of thoughts and dreams and sometimes conflicting opinions in this wondrously sometimes terrifying space I call my mind.  I find this the simplest form of beginning something new.  No danger of becoming constipated with the fears of proper grammar and punctuation.  No having to swallow a scream of frustration when my thoughts fracture mid sentence and reform into completely new unrelated thoughts.  No self flagellation necessary as I am now unable to hold myself up to any preconceived standard by which I will be judged as all I am doing …. is having a conversation. Smile.  Settled.

And it begins…. hehehe.  I just wrote a WHOLE bunch of stuff and then thought “wait! what am I doing?? This isn’t how I want my first blog to be?”  So I shall end right here right now… and let it all percolate.